Why I'll never say to my kids "We can't afford it."

*** Let me preface this by saying I wrote this post yesterday and have been contemplating it hours on end.  I could see it touching a nerve with a lot of people since it is regards to money.  As I've expressed in the past, Guilt-Ridden Mommy is a place of non-judgement, and I hope this blog doesn't imply judgment in anyway.  It's more of an offering of a view.


Guilt-Ridden Mommy is a place where people can express their views.  I'd love to hear all the views of different moms.  So please share yours if you have any.  I'm always looking for guest Mommy Bloggers, so join me if you like.  We all live our lives differently and raise our kids differently. We all have our own parenting philosophies.  I love to hear them all.  Some people may take bits and pieces from others and some may not. That's always OK. The one great thing about living where we live is that opinions are always, just that, opinions.  If there is one thing I have learned is to voice what you are passionate about and you will always open the door to your thoughts and maybe someone else's.  


With that said, this topic strikes a nerve in me that I feel pretty passionate about.  So, I would like to share my views from my own personal experiences.  It also somewhat relates to my last post about the clothes and shoes.

Elle and her first piggy bank

Why I'll never say to my kids "We can't afford it."

There are lots of ways in this world to save money, make money, spend money, lose money, and eventually afford to buy things.  But, I’ve learned, one of the biggest ways of building wealth and feeling wealthy, is by never relenting to the sentence,  “We can’t afford it.”

I’ve never liked the term “We can’t afford it.”  Not because I wanted something and thought we couldn’t afford it, but because it solely comes from a position of weakness.  The term “We can’t afford it,” automatically makes me feel like money has power over me, and not that I have power over money.  I’ve always thought I had power over money ever since I could remember having any.  I believe that was purely due to the due diligence of my parents pounding it into my head. 

I remember the day my brother and I got to open up our first personal savings accounts.  This was the same bank account I had put every penny I made into, up until a few years ago.

Walking into the bank was so exhilarating as I received all my cool savings deposit slips, plastic check book covers, and cool pens!  Just for opening an account.  And saying the words "Yes, I want to have my own money."  I was so excited!  I was eight years old.  I had that bank account until a few years ago and it was hard to give it up.  It was like I was losing a piece of me.  

I still even have my first piggy bank I had when I was a kid!  I used to sit and count my money every weekend and put the coins and dollars into tiny piles.  I remember never wanting to buy anything because I would see the pile increase and watch the numbers increase on my bank account slips.  

Even as I see the bank account rise and fall, I do know there are many things in this world that I cannot afford to walk into a store and buy today.  But that doesn't mean I can't ever afford it.  I can’t walk into a store and buy the car I want today.  Does that mean I can’t afford it?  No, it means I choose not to spend my money that way to receive that car today.  It also means, I may choose to spend my money differently the other 364 days of the year.  I could probably buy that car in a few weeks if I chose to.  I just would rather choose not to eat Raman noodles and work hundreds of hours and multiple jobs up until then.

If you think in terms of not being able to afford something, then you’re probably right; you may never be able to afford it.  You may also be teaching your kids they’ll never be able to afford it either.   Teach them to think of money in terms of choice.  

When I was a kid, I was over at a friend’s house and we had asked the mother if we could have some cherries.  She looked at us and said, “Are you kidding me? We can’t afford cherries!” 

She not only scared the life out of me, but she also confused the heck out of me.  I was thinking, how can you afford this house, but you can’t afford cherries? Cherries are much cheaper.  It didn’t make any sense. 

The daughter then said, “Ya, I guess we can’t ever buy cherries.  We can’t afford them.”

Wow!  Did the mother just teach her child she’d never be able to afford cherries?  Yes, I believe she did. 

The mother should have said, “No, you can have something else, we aren’t spending our money on cherries right now.  Have an apple instead.”  That would have made a lot more sense.   

It's not even all about budget.  It's a mindset. You can budget for those cherries, but you may still choose not to buy them.  By teaching your kids this, they will learn to think of money in terms of choice, not chance.  They will then not feel automatically victimized by not having it.  I’m pretty sure that little girl felt sad that she thought she could never afford cherries.  I definitely felt sad for not only her, the mother, but also myself.  I felt like I could never afford cherries, and she wasn’t even my mom.

Sometimes I still go grocery shopping and think to myself to “Put down the bag of cherries!”  How ridiculous it is for me to think I can’t afford cherries all because this mother said so.  I’m pretty sure if I were homeless and someone handed me $3, I’d be able to afford cherries.  I may not buy them, but I could afford them.     

It’s hard to remember this all the time, but I think back to that little girl thinking she couldn’t ever afford cherries, and it snaps me back into reality. 

I also hard to remember this when you have screaming, fire breathing, dragon kid, breathing down your neck.  I have definitely have fallen into the trap of buying my son something in the store just because I didn't want him to throw a fit.  Did I regret it later?  Yes.  But, did know I chose to buy it just so I wouldn't have to listen to him scream.  Yes.

Year after year, I remember my parents teaching me that.  “I can afford anything I want, as long as I chose to spend my money wisely.”  Wow, how liberating that sentence is!  I don’t feel like a victim to my money.  I feel in control.  I can afford cherries if I choose to not spend that $3 on something else. 

I never say, “I can’t afford to do such and such.”  Or if I accidently say it, I know it’s a lie. 

  

I’d rather say, “I chose to spend the money I do have differently, or I’ll choose to buy or do that later.”

Reading this you may say, "This is ridiculous.  I can't afford a Ferrari, but I still want one.  I'm never going to have that kind of cash."

  I completely disagree.  You could cut back on a world of expenses if you truly wanted the Ferrari.  Would it be practical?  Maybe not.  But it's always doable.  I could, shave my head so I would have to pay for hair cuts, move our family into a 5th wheeler and live off Mac and Cheese, work multiple jobs and save every dime we had until we got that Ferrari.  We would have then completely been able to afford it.  Is it likely I want to live that way until then?  No.  But we could do it if we chose to want to afford the Ferrari.   

There are two things I fully remember that I wanted as a kid and watched my mom go to great lengths to buy them.  I didn’t realize how much house payments were back then, car payments, vacations or even food.  I do remember groceries being around $100/wk because I would shop with my mom and watch her contemplate her shopping list. 

I remember wanting a Cabbage Patch Kid and an Esprit bag so bad! Wow, how my mom went to the ends of the Earth to get me that Cabbage Patch Kid, but I do believe she got a deal!  That is the first time I remember the benefit of getting something on a good deal and someone going to great lengths to get a want, not a need.  I’m still impressed with the time and energy my mom put in to getting me that Cabbage Patch Kid!

I also remember my brother being really good at "beating the system of my parents.”   When it came to my parents saying, “No we aren’t getting that”, he seemed to turn around and get it anyway.  He studied magic as a kid, and I still seem to think some of his magician qualities stuck.  But I know it’s not magic.  It’s pure will.

My best example of this is how every year he wanted new Air Jordan shoes.  And every year he got them no matter what!  My parents didn't spend the money on them every year.  He learned to make a trade, and he was good at it!  I don't really know how he was able to convince the store every year that he needed new shoes, because something was wrong with his old ones (ya, he wore them!).  But, somehow he ended up with the best of the best without my parents constantly splurging every year, on these ridiculously expensive shoes. 

 I definitely screw this up and make bad choices with money at times.  It seems inevitable that everyone does.  But, I don’t kick myself and I know it was my choice and try to get back on track.  I bought things I regret later because I decide I want something different now.

For some reason the inevitable emergency always happens and money is spent on those things, too.  But, aren't we glad we chose to spend differently the other 364 days of the year, for when that emergency does pop up? 

I never say we can't afford anything, especially now that we have kids.  I try to remember to say “We can't get it today, but someday maybe we will”.  I say maybe, because we may choose to spend the money we do have differently up until then.   

Some of my favorite stories are rags to riches.  Or people who are down and out, that somehow turn their circumstances into things some people only dream of. 

Do you ever wonder how people can go from complete bankruptcy to having more than they could possibly need?  I truly believe it’s because "they happen to their money".  It takes time, effort and choice.  I fully admit I don’t always have these characteristics and drive.  But, I know that’s my choice.  Sometimes I'd rather just sit and watch my cable TV and turn the heat up to 71 degrees with the fire place on.  Is all this necessary, no, but it's cozy and comfortable in the now.  

I’m not even sure I believe people who win the lottery do so because they are lucky.  Did they have a different energy then the rest of us?  I believe so. 

Then watch some stories on how some of these people end up completely squandering what they have won because they chose to spend it unwisely.  What happened?  They solely made bad choices. 

You can’t always choose bad things happening to you and your money.  But, you can choose how you teach your kids to respond to the money that comes in and out of their possession.  You can teach your kids they are not any different than Mr. Jones or Mr. Jones’ kids.  Teach your kids the power of choice.  Teach them money doesn’t happen to them.  They happen to their money.  Teach them they can buy a bag of cherries if they choose to, if only they'd spend that $3 a different way. You’ll be grateful you did.  I know I am!

Thanks Mom and Dad!