Do Dads Even Have Guilt?

Thus far, I haven't gotten too much commentary from the dads of the world.  Where are they?  Do they talk?  I hear some of them want to, but then they retreat and go back to thinking about whatever dads think about.  Today that was confirmed for me that it's not too much.  In terms of guilt anyway.

It's riding on 11am at work and I hear a "Good Morning" from a fellow co-worker.  I'm thinking, "Morning?"  I've been up since 5:30am.  It is past morning and I'm ready for lunch.

I tell him "Good afternoon."

He retracts and says, "No, it's still morning."  Granted the clock definitely says AM on it, but it's definitely  lunch time and that indicates a PM to me.

We get into the discussion of why he's hooked on AM and I'm hooked on PM.  I tell him my kids get up early, so by this time for me it's PM.  He cringes and complains that he can't stand early morning wake ups with his kids, so they go to bed as late as possible.  Although, he doesn't like that either.

I concur that I can't stand early morning wake up's either.  But, I also like the quiet time of the night, so we put our kids to bed as early as possible.  We discuss which one is better.  He decides he likes our way, so he might try it so he can get a little time with the wifey.  Then he again realizes his kids may get up too early for him, so he's not sure which way he likes better.  We both agree neither one is ideal.

I say, "It's nice if the kids get up early since I can see them before work.  I get in an hour or more with them before I even head out the door."

He shows me his cringe again and says, "Who cares?"

Shocked, I say, "What?"

He says, "I was a stay at home dad for a number of years.  I've done my duty.  I don't need to see my kids before I go to work.  That just adds more work on top of my day and I see them enough already."

As I'm caught off guard by his statement, I'm overwhelmingly jealous by his attitude to just not give a hoot!  He knows he's a good dad.  He knows he puts in a lot with his kids.  He doesn't do anything to be a "bad dad".  He's got two huge pictures on his desk of his kids telling the world how much he loves them.  He talks about them frequently, as a matter of fact.  But, he doesn't always have to be "politically correct."  And he definitely doesn't portray any guilt of what he has done, or how he needs a life, and some peace in his day.  And if he can get it by not having the kids wake up an hour or two earlier, then he'll take it, and not feel guilty about it.

So, in my next lifetime, maybe I'll come back as a man!  I thought I'd want to be a cat and get to be opinionated and nobody cares because you're a cat.  But maybe that's being a man.  Cat/Man =  Guilt Free?  Same difference, until I hear otherwise.

Daycare and the perspective of a 5 year old

If any of you have read Guilt Ridden Mommy you know what a torturous path I took myself on in regards to daycare.  It was a long and arduous journey, where I basically banged my head against the wall for months, probably years.  I was convinced I was torturing my kid and ruining her childhood. She was in daycare for about 2 years before I pulled the plug, to be full time stay-at-home mommy.    

Well, 5 years later and much anguish aside, all was put into perspective a few days ago.  As you may know I've been taking the break of full time stay-at-home mom, to take a little corporate mommy vacation.  All is well, and much breathing room has been accomplished thus far.  But, the daycare situation still is less than desirable and we are finding we are having to juggle more balls in our court.  Good thing is we are 5 years into this and our juggling skills have gotten much more accomplished.  And it is less of a armageddon type situation. 

So off I go to tour and "research" local daycares with much confidence and success.  Kids in hand, I drive up to the daycare that is the chain of the one we previously went to in a different city.  I'm feeling comfortable with this chain as we know the routine.  I ask my poignant questions and discuss the future needs and wants with the director.  I check out the teachers and ensure there are no mass murders working there, and that everyone has smiles and teaching certificates to bat.  

We have the expected shy moment with the younger son, and of course the wanting of the kids to play on the playground.  Once we leave, I turn to my daughter and say, "Did you like it when you went to this place before?"  As it's almost an exact replica of the previous place she went.  She knows it's a different place, but she also is comfortable with her surroundings.  She looks at me point blank and says "I don't remember mom!  I was a kid!  Yes, it's good."  

So there you have it.  I waisted months and possibly years of energy with lost sleep worrying if I had damaged my kid in some way by putting her in a daycare.  She looks at me and says  "I don't even remember!"  All she really remembers was her first friend she made there, who she is still friends with today!  

So for all you moms who are stressed over if your kid is in daycare or not.  Forget about it!  I seriously doubt they will even remember enough about it to even care. 

Now go stress about something else.  The possibilities are always endless, but at least you can scratch that one off your list!

Poop Handcuffs

It's 9am has your kid pooped yet?  It's getting to be late morning and still no poop!  This day is not going as smoothly as it should and it's only 9am!  We need to leave the house in thirty minutes!  Is there going to be poop in thirty minutes or not?  I need to plan for these things!  If the poop comes now then I can safely guarantee there will be no poop in the car while driving.  Driving with a poopy kid in the car is not going to be fun.  If he poops now, I can safely guarantee I do not need to carry more than 2 diapers in my purse that now poses as a diaper bag bag because I refuse to carry around said diaper bag anymore.  If he poops now I can get away without carrying wipes in said purse/diaper bag and just leave them in the car for emergencies.  If he poops now I definitely do not need to worry about extra clothes incase of an accident.  If he poops now I can not worry about having to change a dirty diaper on the floor of a nasty bathroom because companies still refuse to have changing tables.  If he poops now I won't need to worry about the nasty floor or changing table getting leftover pee/poop on my kid and the changing table pad that goes in my nasty purse/bag.  If he poops now we can skip the whole drama of potty training in public because I'm just not there yet and don't want to wrangle that horse to the ground just yet. If he poops now, my sanity will go up 100 points! 

That's a lot of annoying things to think about just because my kid hasn't taken a poop before 9am!  I'm pretty sure I'm going mentally insane waiting for this poop to come out.  Am I going to be late for whatever  for the rest of my life because Mr. Poopy Pants isn't as regular as my schedule?  He obviously doesn't care. And he obviously doesn't realize we need to leave the house now.

Hmm, so my day has been thoroughly taken a turn for the more high drama just because we had to leave the house without filling the diaper or toilet for that matter with poop!  So, what will it be today... 

Poop in the car?, poop up the back?, diaper change in nasty bathroom?, screaming kid because fan in bathroom is too loud and bathroom has scary monsters in it?, the forbidden porta-potty?, the giganto diaper bag disguised as a purse?

CHECK, CHECK, CHECK, CHECK... Oh, and CHECK

Car seat straps tight.... CHECK

"Mommy, I'm poopy."  ...  Game on!  I think this kid got me.  CHECKMATE!

Sympathy, Empathy, Miscarriage and Death

You would think that by now I'd be "OK" with the feeling of someone telling me they have miscarried.  You'd think by now, I'd know how to feel, or what to say.

I don't.

It seems to me that this "common" occurrence will never become "common" topic or "common" word, as I so hope it would.

Long after I've written down my story, heard others tell me theirs, this "common" occurrence still feels uncommonly heartbreaking.  I don't break for my loss anymore.  I now only break for those who have to endure what I know feels unexplainable.

It brings me to the question of the difference between empathy and sympathy.  I've had this conversation before amongst family members who were dying.  We were trying to discuss the key differences between someone who shows sympathy, and someone who has empathy.  I like the words shows and has.  Shows sympathy.  Has empathy.

There are many definitions out there for the differences between empathy and sympathy.  The simplest definition comes to say that empathy portrays a sense of feeling, of what the person is going through.  But this is obviously impossible, in the fact, that you can never truly FEEL what someone else feels.  Although, your mental state, emotions, and sometimes even physical pain, can elude to the fact that you do actually feel this person's pain.

So when someone tells me that they have miscarried and I want to convey empathy and not just sympathy how do I do that?  I've been told I do, but I'm not even sure how I do it.  I'm not sure it's possible to put into words, especially in delicate situations where it's easy to say the wrong things.

Even for people who have been through similar situations it's quite easy to say the wrong thing.  I know I've said the wrong things even after I've been through the experience myself.  I didn't even know I had said the wrong thing and never was told I did.  But after contemplating the conversation later, I realized something I said, trying to be "empathetic", was probably not the best thing to say.  Even to someone who has gone through a "comparable" loss.  Even saying their loss is comparable could be the wrong thing!  How would we all know if these losses are comparable when everyone's sense of loss is different?

So even after all these years, "comparable" situations and "comparable" conversations, I've still come to the same unsure conclusion.  Is there a way to convey empathy over sympathy when it comes to miscarriage and death?  How have I been doing it when I do it well?  How have I been doing it when I do it poorly?

Maybe empathy is being able to portray a feeling, not just words.  A feeling beyond the words of "I'm sorry for your loss."

Maybe that feeling comes across more powerful than just the words alone.  The words alone are sympathy.  Sympathy can say the wrong things.  The words along with feeling for the person are empathy.  Maybe empathy doesn't even need words.  Empathy doesn't ever say the wrong thing.  Maybe in situations where the wrong things might have been said, the empathy trumps the sympathy.  People feel the love of empathy even when the words of sympathy faultier.  And when the love of empathy is combined with the right words of sympathy, that's the most comforting of all.

Maybe it's just as simply, complicated as that.

Stay-at-home moms Vs. working moms

This past month I decided I needed a "Mommy Vacation".  Meaning, I've been staying home now for 4 1/2 years and I'm ready for a little vacation.  When a stay-at-home mom needs a vacation it's pretty much impossible for her to travel to the tropics alone for a refreshing pina collada for a few months.  A family vacation only seems to make the stress worse.  That's not a vacation.  That's taking you and your "house" out of it's fine-oiled-machine of a home and putting it in a place of chaos and expecting the mom to come back refreshed.  I think I'm more tired than ever coming back from a family vacation then I am just staying at home, not having taken the vacation in the first place.

  I'm pretty sure a week in the tropics (even alone), drinking as many margaritas as possible, wouldn't refresh me enough to deal with the kids screaming, crying, fighting and the constant whining that rings through my ears 24/7.  And who wants to go on vacation alone?  I don't.  That is not only boring for me, but depressing as heck.  I still want to see my family, I just don't want to look at them 24/7.  Of course the hugs, kisses and "perfect times" of the day are all great with cherries on top, but I need a vacation regardless.  

So, what's a stay-at-home mom to do when they need a vacation?  The solution for me is to take a "working break".  

But wait, the minute I say I'm going to take a "working break" from being stay-at-home mom, I never guessed how many opinions I would get about my decision.  I've gotten more comments from the world of stay-at-home moms on how I'm making a mistake.  I've even gotten comments from the working-moms, too.   That I'm crazy and that I really don't what to do what I'm deciding to do.  

Having been on both sides of the coin, of working mom and stay-at-home mom, nothing gets my blood boiling more than the opinions of how these two groups speak to each other.  And it can get down right cruel.  More opinions get thrown out than dirty diapers!  

I've gotten a lot tougher in dealing with these comments, but they still hurt.  The sad thing about comments towards any of these two groups of women, is that sometimes the women don't even know they hurting the other group.  Or maybe they just don't care.  They are throwing out opinions based on their own personal experiences, instead of giving support to let the woman feel empowered in her own situation.  

Since deciding to take my working vacation I've gotten some of the following:

• "You don't want to do that because your kids still need you." Since when is working mean that you are abandoning your kids and you aren't going to be there for them?  This statement kills me every time.  Have you ever said this to anyone?  Think about what you are saying.  I'm pretty sure my kids are going to need me until the day I die.  Am I suppose to be at their side constantly until the age of what?  Tell me at what age then it's OK for women to do something that is considered not being by their kids side 24/7?  Can you think of it? I can't.  I'm 35 and I still need my parents for emotional support.

• "You don't want to work because your kids will be raised by strangers."  Hmmm, I'm not sure the last time I dropped my kid off to a stranger on the side of the road.  I'm pretty sure as parents we go overboard in researching, interviewing and putting trust into our daycare providers.  When my daughter was born she was in daycare for a full year.  I was like a secret service agent, ensuring there was no rock left unturned into who was watching my kid.  There is no way I would have left her at a place or with a person I didn't trust.  These ladies ended up being like a small family to me and my daughter.  It was very enjoyable and I was sad when we left.

• "You don't want to work because it's not all it's cracked up to be."  This coming from a mom who chooses to work, but doesn't need to.  Why is someone who chooses to work telling me this?  That one still confuses me.  Plus, I know plenty of women who work because they LOVE it.  They love their jobs.  They love what it brings them.  What is wrong with that?  I can understand this statement if a woman needs to work and doesn't want to, but that's a different blog.  Maybe one of you want to write that one.

• "Only you can love your kids.  No one else who takes care of them will love them like you do.  So you should stay home."  This one is one of my favorites.  Has anyone ever said this to a man?  NO!  Does a man ever get the guilt trip of going to work?  NO.  And of course parents love their kids more than the people caring for them while they are gone.  I should hope that they do.  If they don't then maybe they shouldn't be parents.  Does that mean they need to never put them in hands of people who would care for them, but not love them?  No.  I'm thoroughly convinced my son is more of a mama's boy because I have never left his side.  My daughter who was in daycare for the first year of her life (which of course she doesn't remember and my family doesn't either), seems way more independent and well rounded than my son does.  I'm thinking my son could stand not to be clinging onto me 24 hours a day.  He won't even let anyone else brush his teeth, read him a story or put his shoes on.  I'm thinking it will be beneficial to him to learn that other people want to help him and care for him besides just Mommy.  

This is just a taste of what I've been hearing over the past month of so.  I've resigned to wonder, why can't women just be more supportive of one another no matter which one of these two groups they belong to.  Being from both, I know where both of them are coming from.  But, I also know that the opinions of each group do not help the others and ultimately doesn't help the person dosing them out.  If there is one thing I know, it's that women internally struggle with themselves and how they raise children more than anyone could possibly know.  Opinions from others on how they should do it only throws fuel on the fire they are already beating themselves up about internally.  

Let's all try to throw out a dose of compassion and understanding and say "Hey, that sounds great,  (whatever decision they are making, to work or not work) and I'm glad you are finding something that will make YOU happy.

Because we all know, A HAPPY MOM. MAKES FOR HAPPY KIDS.  No matter if they are at work or at home.  

Please be kind to one another and think about what your opinion could do to another mom.  We are all on the same team.  

  

Are you teaching your kids how to rely on their own foundation?

My daughter is learning about The Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Wolf in preschool right now.  It seems only fitting for what I'm trying to re-learn myself at the same time.

(I know I learned this before, but I somehow forgot because I didn't know what it looked like.  Pictures always help me learn.)

......

Once upon a time, a house was built.....

When you build a strong house, you start with a good foundation.  It looks something like this.  (Notice I said strong).

Next you build some walls.  

Then you add a roof.

Once that is all complete, then you can start adding insulation, electricity, windows and doors.  Our house starts to look like this.

Last but not least, we put on the exterior.  The outward coating.  The stuff to keep the bad guys out.  The siding.  

Notice in this picture there are people.  People can help you put as much siding on your house to make it more protected.  You can ask others to help you put as much siding as you like.  Others also offer it up for free!  (Which of course is the best and most ideal).

The more sturdy the siding the better the protection. 

........ 

You also put a door on your house.  This is so not only so you can come-and-go (to get things for your house) but so other people can, too.  You can come-and-go as you please, but others need to knock to come inside (notice I said knock).  You can either invite them in, or they can knock.  

They can not barge into your house, like the big bad wolf tries to, since you put up walls and siding.  But the door IS necessary for movement. 

......  

People can help you make your house stronger.  (Not strong to begin with, but stronger.)    

.......

Lastly we put in our comforts.  We spruce up the yard and the inside.  

We add flowers, grass and trees to the yard.  We make the inside cozy by adding plaster, paint and carpet.  (These things aren't necessary for our house to be a house.  But they make a house a home).  

Our house ends up looking like the house you are living in right now.  

.......

Take a look at this next picture of a skeleton.  What does it remind you from the previous pictures?

Does it look like the house with the 2X4's for walls?  

.....

What does this next picture remind you of?  

Does it look like the house with a roof starting to form?

.......

Next we have electricity, insulation, and coziness.  Does your skin remind you of siding?  Does family, friends, job, money, start to remind you of siding?  Were you born with these things?  No.  It has nothing to do with your skeleton and foundation of you.  You may have been born with a family, but it doesn't do anything for you until it gives you nurturing and protection.  (No nurturing, no protection, means no siding).  What happens if all your skin was burned off?  Would you still be there?  Yep, but your protection would be gone.  Skin starts to look like siding.  

.......

Do your muscles and nerve endings remind you of insulation and electricity?  

Does your blood remind you of running water in your house?  Gasoline to heat your home and cook your food?

..........

So you get the analogy, right?

........

Think about this...  There are millions of people around the world that do not live in a house or one that looks like the American Dream.  

Lots of them look like this.

Was this house built on foundation?  Doesn't look like it to me.  

Is this house protected from the Big Bad Wolf as much as the first one?  Doesn't look like it to me.  

Maybe this house will stand up to the elements, but I'm guessing it might not stand up to all of them.  Maybe it needs a foundation?  Maybe it needs better siding?  Maybe it needs both.  

Some people don't even have this.  Their house may look like this. 

This house is DEFINITELY not protected from the elements and it's definitely not going to stand up to the Big Bad Wolf.  But, we can say it's a house.  There definitely is zero foundation, though.

.......

So how do we get foundation, when we weren't born with it, so we ensure our house is stronger?  How to we ensure it's better protected from the Big Bad Wolf, but with a door?   

We started looking like this, remember...

Are you thinking as a parent you need to give your kids a foundation?   I'm starting to think that is incorrect.  I'm starting to think they already are born with a foundation.  They just don't know what it looks like and my job is to make them "see it".  Foundation is not potential or the people and things you surround yourself with.  That's siding.   Foundation is more like, "I'm OK because I am me."  It's not "I'm OK because I have this or so-and-so."  

   Do you know what your foundation looks like without siding?  Can you describe it in detail?  Would you be able to tell your kids what your foundation looks like without siding?

........

We saw in the previous pictures that houses without foundation AND siding looked like they wouldn't stand up to the elements as much.  Although, it's the only way to go sometimes, and sometimes it's all we have.  But, it's better in the long run to have foundation to go along with the siding.  And it's better to start building that foundation first.  You can't build a foundation after you've already built your house, right?  You can't dig under something that's already built to start building a foundation.  You'd have to wait for it to blow down and then start over and build it.  But, who really wants to do that?

  And you can't "see" your foundation if you've built your house up without looking at it first.  So, I better teach my kids what their foundation looks like before I throw a bunch of siding and cozy factor on top of it.  And it becomes harder to see the more siding, the more flowers, trees, paint and plaster I surround with it.  (Cozy Factor)

........

So, I better slow down with the house building when it comes to my kids or else they may look back and not know what their foundation looks like.  It may be built up too much with siding and coziness.  

So, I ask myself these questions:

• Am I teaching my kids to lean on their own foundation, while letting others support their siding?

• Am I teaching them to lean on a foundation that they think is only in me and their dad?  Would they be OK without us someday?  

• Am I teaching them to just build up their siding to make their house look stronger and more like a home, without being stable from the Big Bad Wolf? 

• Am I teaching them they don't always need others to put up their siding because they already have a foundation and walls and they don't necessarily need siding?  It just makes them stronger, but they are already strong without it.  Like we saw before, some houses don't even have walls, they are tents, but they are still houses.   

• Am I teaching them they don't need anyone and can rely on themselves only?  

• Am I teaching them to rely on others siding too much?

......

• Maybe I should figure this out before I turn around and I have already completed this task of raising them.

• Maybe I should teach them they are strong already before they get blown off their foundation (because we all know it's sure to happen).   

•   Maybe I should ensure they know what their foundation looks like to them (since they can't see it or touch it).  

                                                                      ..........

I'm sure they are going to get blown off their foundation.  There are mud slides, earthquakes, wind storms and lightning strikes all that will happen to their house.  The Big Bad Wolf can come blow it over at any time (if it's not strong).  But that is why the foundation is build underground.  It's more stable there.  Am I helping them ensure they know they already have foundation in themselves without siding?

To help them know they already have a foundation that can support their walls?  A foundation that can support them when the Big Bad Wolf does come blow their house down?  A foundation that they can look back on and say yep, I know how to build my walls back up, put my siding back up, put in some comforts like insulation, ensure their electricity isn't short circuiting and hopefully run some water and have clean pipes.  Have people help them do it, but still feel stable while it's being built?  A foundation that they can look back on and know they don't need others to "build them up" because the foundation (them) is still there.

Remember that siding picture.  There are people in it.  I'm pretty sure what I'm doing as a parent is helping my kids with their siding and cozy factor.  I'm not doing anything to build their foundation.  Their foundation is already there.  It's themselves.  But, I can ensure they know they have a foundation in themselves if the Big Bad Wolf comes blow their house down.  They are still OK without siding.  

  They are already born.  The skeleton and body were born without a foundation (at least one we can see and touch, but it's there somehow).  I was born to my parents with a skeleton, siding, ect.  After that, they worked on feeding me, ensuring I was well educated, could communicate with others, was a good person, could work, make money, could be self sufficient.  All the siding parts of the house.  They also threw in a bunch of cozy factor.  (The yard, the paint, the plaster, carpet, ect.)  The hugs, the kisses, the I love you's, ect.  Cozy factor is awesome and it looks really pretty.  Houses with them are much better than not, but a house is still a house without cozy factor, too.  

.........

So, if I take all that away, I'm left with what? 

.......

For every person it is different.  But it is their foundation.  They are built off of it.  It makes them be OK with being built.  It makes them OK without siding.  It makes them OK with just being them.  It has nothing to do with having siding or cozy factor.

.........  

Tonight I put my daughter to bed and I spent a good chunk of it ensuring she was properly equiped.  We fixed her blankets (cozy), put her in jambes (cozy), we put the stuffed animals on (her village / siding). We read a book, she read it back (education/siding), we brushed her teeth and she went to the bathroom (pipes / no rotting equipment in her house) and we gave out multiple hugs and kisses and "I love you's." (cozy factor, but not necessary for her house to to be called a house).  

.......

This is a house.

So is this.

I can make my house look like this and it would definetely be a better house.  

But, it's still the same house we started with.  

I can make my kids be the best that they can be and love them with all my hearts content.  But, unless they know how to support their "house" on it's own foundation without siding my efforts are futile.  

Their house may end up looking like this, despite my best efforts.

Tonight after we went through the bedtime routine my daughter said, "I think I'll sleep on the floor."  (Similar to camping I suppose.)  

I thought, "What?"  After I just made your bed all cozy and put all your stuffed animals up here and made it the "best place ever to sleep!"  

So in other words, she doesn't need my siding or coziness for her to "live in her house".  She was born with her house, and her house is hers alone.  She's still OK "camping" as she is if she's living in the most well equipped cozy house on Earth.  I want to ensure she stays that "pure" and her mind stays thinking that is OK.  That she's still OK if her siding is gone.  

.......

It's definitely more beneficial for her to have what we and everyone provides for her, but she's the only one that can support her skeleton by herself.  Am I teaching her that?  

I'm sure she'll hear that a million times over growing up.  But does she know what that means?  Does she know what that looks like?  Can she describe it without adding siding?  Can she draw a picture of it?  Is it just a picture of her being OK with being her.  Yep, I think it is.  Maybe we will draw that tomorrow.  

.......

Maybe I should figure this out, and teach her that, before she "loses her house" and realizes she's still there, but all the stuff, coziness, people, siding, isn't.  That she's OK without it?  She's just camping.  Maybe I'll have her draw a picture of herself camping.  We'll put it in a big frame and if she ever thinks she's losing her "house" she can remember she's just camping.   She's still the same person she was when she had all the people, stuff and good vibes that came with that.  So, she's not getting all her good vibes from siding.  She's getting them from herself.  Maybe I should teach her that, before she has to figure it out when the Big Bad Wolf comes and blows her house down.  

Multiplying Two Negatives Gives You a Positive (Your Negative Moments Will Be Cherished)

The other day I shared a blog on how we shouldn't always feel bad if we aren't cherishing every single moment with our children.  This took a huge weight off my shoulders!  It had mentioned that time goes by fast.  People always say, "Cherish the moments, even the bad ones, because some day you'll be sad they are gone."  Basically, the follow up was, that's a bunch of hog wash!

After I read that I was complete relieved of all my guilt and misery around not enjoying the troubled moments I have as a parent.  The times when I feel like a complete mess and I can't even function because I'm so stressed out and the kids are driving me absolutely insane!  

Before then, I was thinking, I need to enjoy this more.  I need to relish this time, because before I know it, it's going to be gone, and it's already going by too fast.  Meanwhile, my tired brain and body were telling me, give yourself a break.  Your kids are screaming at the top of their lungs, the house is a mess, there are a million things I need to get done and I just can't handle all this noise and commotion.  

Then an epiphany hit me! 

It's not the moment that I always need to cherish.  The moment only lasts a second or two.  It's not the moment that I will cherish ever again.  The moment is gone.  It's the memory of the moment that I will cherish!  

When I was in college I was trying to tell a story to my friends about how I fell off my bike and cracked my head open.  I was trying to ride no handed down a hill and hit some gavel.  I fell off my bike, and of course I wasn't wear a helmet, and my barrette stabbed me in the head.  Blood strewn down my face and I cried from the shock of what had happened.  At that moment I was not having fun.  I was terrified and even more terrified my dad had told me the Dr. was going to shave my head to put in stitches!  Of course that didn't happen.

But telling this story in college, I was laughing so hard I could hardly tell it, and I couldn't spit out the words.  It was cracking me up so bad I was having one of those moments where you start laughing uncontrollably and can't stop.  It wasn't a funny story.  But the memory of it was.  

Looking back through some of my notes I write about my kids, I laugh at the moments that made me cry and cringe when they were happening.  For instance, my son falling out of his stroller at the post office and everyone gasping in horror as he hit his head.  Me thinking I'm the worst mom in the world and everyones gasp confirming it!  Now I can look back and laugh.

While I was up for the sixth time in the middle of the night wondering how new moms are so happy and perky.  Where I wanted to crawl under a rock.  Wondering how all these parents had "Katie Couric Syndrome" where they were perky as hell 24/7.  Where I had stupid kid cartoons and nursery rhymes stuck in my head that wouldn't turn off.  Instead of having "Katie Couric Syndrome" and being perky about my situation, I was instead wondering if "Peter Piper could be a Perky People Eater!" 

Then I would look at my one month old, who had his middle finger on his chin most of the time, and I would think he was mocking me!  He of course knew I was dying, but he thought it was funny.  Obviously he didn't even know what he was doing, but I was sure he was mocking me!

And then of course there are the baby books.  The things we look back on now to remember the memories!  I wouldn't have remembered half this stuff if it weren't for these baby books.  Heck, moms need maternity leave just so they can fill out the baby book!  How time consuming this task is!

Here are some more not so funny at the time moments I can look back on now and laugh.

• Cleaning poop out of the gasket of the front-load washer.  How did poopy underwear get in the washer without my knowledge?
• If God cared about pregnant women, he'd let them keep their big boobs!  I was completely serious with my thought of this. 
• Why do men act like morons in the middle of the night when the baby needs up?  Women have to be on their game when the man is half asleep thinking the cat is meowing and not the baby.
• How in the hell did I get stretch marks with my second child and not with my first?  What kind of mean trick is that?
• When I swaddled my baby why did I feel like I was putting him in a straight jacket?
• When I put the turkey in the oven, I didn't feel like eating it any more because it reminded me of changing a baby's diaper.
• Taking my parenting cues from Animal Planet after watching the baby gazelle kick the mommy gazelle multiple times while trying to breast feed.  Thinking to myself if the baby bites and kicks me this is OK, because if the animals on Animal Planet can take it, so can I.
• Thinking my life is easier than the animals on Animal Planet, because at least I'm not the tiger  searching for her babies in the middle of the night.  One who climbed up a tree and couldn't get down and one who just about got eaten by a crocodile.  All while she sways and staggers around because she's so flipping tired and her dumb kids are strewn across the jungle!  

So looking back, and as I'll look back again and again, as years go by, these times are cherishable. But it wasn't the necessarily the moment that was cherishable, it's mostly the memory of the moment that I will cherish.   Of course I remember the good times and can easily cherish those.  Rocking my kids to sleep.  Reading them books.  Playing in the yard.  The list goes on and on...  But I don't remember every single one of those moments either.  But I do remember that those are all good times.  It's the sum of all the moments that is to be cherished.  Not each single moment.  And to remember that the bad times can all sum up to good times eventually, too.

The awesome thing about memories are they can be passed down to others and through generations.  My daughter always says "Remember that time when I was a baby and I did ..."  Of course she doesn't remember when she was a baby, but she remembers me saying how I remembered when she did ... and thought it was so great.  Or it wasn't so great at the time, and I can look back and think it's funny because now she thinks it's funny.  I remember things I did as a kid that my parents didn't think was funny at all, but we can all laugh about it now.  

So, don't worry if you're not thinking this moment is great or yesterday wasn't either.  It's the memory of the moment later that will end up good.  It's the sum of all things that you will cherish.  In math, multiplying two negatives gives you a positive.  In the end, you'll end up with a positive even if you feel full of negatives.  Math is a fact.  So if you can't wrap your head around what's happening at the moment.  Remember the facts of math, and you will automatically be in a positive place.