I've been a stay-at-home mom now for almost four years. I've been thinking it's been four years for the past two years, so I'm not sure why it always seems like it's been four years. Maybe I think it's going by too fast. Maybe I think it's going by too slow. Both come to mind. By now it seems like it should be about eight years or so, but it also seems like it just started. Not sure how that works, but people always say life speeds past you, which it does. And life does get confusing at times.
Well, I just finished up my 2011 phase (fourth installment) of thinking I'm a worthless person because I'm a stay-at-home mom. I know I'm not the only one who goes through this phase. But, I'll be the one to say it's so ridiculously pointless and a waste of energy. And for some reason it creeps up on me every year or so. This is a horrible phase. I feel like a complete loser! My mind races with thoughts that I'm not living to my fullest potential, being all that I can be. That I'm missing out on something. That I'm not making money, so, I'm not worth anything. Thinking that I'm pretty much a dud because I'm a stay-at-home mom.
Reviewing this years pity-party, I'm thinking I'm just tired. I wanted to be a stay-at-home once I became pregnant with my daughter. I just couldn't bring myself to take the plunge until two years later. Plus, it's a big commitment financially, and so that's always a hard transition. At least it was for me. It's a hard transition every year to review the budget (which everyone should be doing anyway). Why do I think I'm special that I have to do this because I stay at home? I'm pretty sure this is what I did when I was working anyway. I had a conniption then, as I do now, over the price of bread. Nothings changed other than I make more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches now.
So, you'd think after four years, I'd be over this self loathing pity-party phase. Especially since I chose it. But nope, I have to go through it at least once a year. I start thinking, I need to do something that builds my mind more, I'm waisting away, why did I even go to college, I'm surrounded by little feet that are driving me nuts, I need to be more adult stimulated, I'm a loser.
What the heck kind of phase is this? It shouldn't even happen, but it does. I know where I want to be. I know what I want to be doing, but I always end up going through this phase. I think, I'm not a good person because I make mac and cheese 24/7 and don't drive to work. I'm not a good person because my paycheck doesn't have actual numbers on it.
Well, I'm hear to tell all you stay-at-home moms, that ever go through this phase, to snap out of it! Believe in yourself. Believe that what you are doing is good. Believe that you don't need other people to validate you, even your children. Do something to re-charge your batteries. What you are thinking is not even sequential thinking. Self worth has nothing to do with where put in the most hours of your day. Self worth has nothing to do with a paycheck. Self worth has nothing to do with what people do for a living. Even if you love being a stay-at-home mom every minute of every day, don't believe your self worth depends on it. Where is your self worth going to be when your kids leave the home?
I don't really know how to define my self worth, but I remember thinking about this before, when I was about 21. I remember someone asking me to define it. I went home and typed up a three page paper on my self worth. I still have it here somewhere. It said things like, I'm a good person because of this and that.....
How about this for 2011: I'm a good person JUST because.
Not because I'm a stay-at-home mom, not because I'm running around like a nut job taking my kids to the moon and back. Not because so-and-so says I am or am not. How about JUST BECAUSE I know I am.
There is no SHAME in SAHM. (Stay-at-home mom, for those of you who've never heard the term. Don't worry, I didn't know what it was until I became one.) And there is no shame in being blah once in a while. No one looked back on their death bed and wished they would have spent less time with their kids. But no one looked back thinking they needed to spend every minute with them either.
Now, if you really do hate being a stay-at-home mom and you really do think you should be doing something completely different, then that's something to think about. But don't let your lack of self worth determine what you are doing. I fall into this trap too often. Hopefully one day I'll just snap out of it.
If you're just like me and pretty much only having a pity-party (sometimes hard to determine), invite me over next time! That way I can get this over with early and not have it interrupt my life. I'll bring the balloons!
P.S. When I'm having my pity-party next year, remind me to read this. Pass this onto someone who you think may just be having a pity-party and tell them, there is no SHAME in SAHM!
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